I am going to take you guys all the way back to the beginningat least to when I met my spouse.
When we first met, I did not know at all what I was getting into. I didnt know that she was not going to be the man that I thought I married. That is rightwhen we met she was still going as a he. Jen had not yet come out; she was still living as Billy. We hit it off right away. I loved being around him so much. By time we had our first official date we had decided we wanted to get married and he proposed. We got married a month later. I was so happy.
After a week or so of being married I started to see another side of Billy I hadnt seen before. He was depressed and was on the computer a lot. Sometimes he would be the fun guy I had married and things would be okay for a little while. He really helped me to feel like I was smart and loved.
After being married for a while I learned that sometimes he liked to cross dress and that was the only time he felt normal. He never told anyone because the way that he was raised he was told that his feeling like a girl was wrong and sinful. When he told me about this I was okay with it as long as we never ever told anyone and as long as he didnt talk to me much about it because I was raised to think the same thing about it being sinful.
After the birth of our second child is when things really came to a head. Billy was working in a doctors office and was able to learn much more about what transgendered really is and came to realize that this was what he had been dealing with without knowing about it.
You see that is one of the draw backs of being raised in Mormon culture. Being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered is frowned upon and when we were kids being sexually different was considered a mental illness or maybe even a choice, so no one in the LDS church really talked about any of this stuff and hardly knows much about any of it. It is only in recent years that the Mormon church leaders are saying the homosexuality is not a choice but they still say to act on it is a sin.
So after finding out about all of this I fell into a really deep depression. We talked about him becoming female and it really freaked me out. I finally told him that I wanted to have more kids and transition would make that pretty much impossible, so we waited and things got worse. Living with someone who cannot be who they really are is very very difficult. I cannot imagine just how hard all of this was for Jen. Pretending all the time that she is Billy when really she is Jen on the inside.
So finally when I got pregnant with our fourth child, we decided that it was time for her to become who she has been all along on the inside. You may be thinking Oh, this is the part where everything becomes okay and the frog turns to a princess and everyone lives happily ever after! Sorry, it didnt go that way and heck it still hasnt quite gotten to that yet. We are still working on the happily ever after thing 🙂 .
Telling family was the hardest part of all of this. Not everyone has reacted very well and we have been the victim of some of the meanest comments. Things that should never be said by anyone claiming to be a Christian. I figured out that a lot of these people dont really believe in loving EVERYONE like they say they do.
Both of us have been hurt pretty darn bad, but when we first got married all those years ago we had decided that we were not going to give up on us no matter what. That hasnt been very easy and I would be lying if I told you that I have never wanted to go back on my word. But we will keep working at it.
We have problems just like anyone else. For the most part we are still a normal family.